


endure my heart, you have endured worse than this

by sansaswildlinglover



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: But it's really just Jon trying to escape his issues and inappropriate feelings for Sansa, Dark Jon Snow, F/M, Implied boatsex, Songfic, jonerys if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-08 20:19:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15251286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sansaswildlinglover/pseuds/sansaswildlinglover
Summary: Kneelgate and boatsex drabble with Jonsa and light pol!Jon goggles. Just an idea I had to get out...Sansa is not physically present, but she's still important. Consider the song lyrics her POV.Lyrics from Florence + The Machine’s HeartlinesFlorence has said that this song is about home and family and what ties you to them, and to me this song fits Jon's season 7 storyline so well.Title from Homer's Oddyssey





	endure my heart, you have endured worse than this

**Author's Note:**

> I suggest listening to a live version of the song if you choose to do so while reading this. IMO they're all better than the album version :)

 

 

_Keep it up_

_I know you can_

 

 

Jon closes his eyes, but he waits a long time to let the sigh escape from his lips after the door has been shut. _My Queen_ , the voice inside his head scoffs, and he tries not to dwell on the fact that it sounds like Sansa’s voice. _I’d bend the knee_ … but everything that comes before the word ‘but’ is horse shit.

Words are wind, but does it matter? Does it matter at all?

 

_What a thing to do_

_Oh-woah-oh what a thing to choose_

 

Cersei’s offer echoes inside his mind. It would be so easy to lie, even if he hates this person he has to become to save all of these people who don’t give a fuck about him.

But he’s not quite sure Daenerys trusts him completely. He can tell she wants to, desperately so, but there’s something holding her back; past experiences, he supposes.

If he accepts Cersei’s proposal, it’s done. He can finally finish this ridiculous mummer’s game and return North. But he needs to give Daenerys that final push, to remove any lingering doubt about his loyalty.

 

 

 _But know, in some way I’m there with you  
_ _Up against the wall on a Wednesday afternoon_

 

Finally they're on their way North and finally he can breathe again. Still he can't stop himself from pacing his cabin. His thoughts drift to her.

What is she going to say? Will she understand? Or will ice sink into his stomach when he sees the disappointment in her eyes? He could explain, but will she listen?  _I tried to be smarter than Father, Sansa, I know I need to be smarter than Robb._

None of it should matter, he's just one man, he's only playing his part. But he needs her to understand, he wants to tell her everything, even the things he can't put into words. Her smile and her bright blue eyes appear before his mind's eye.  _You are to me. You are._

He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to imprint those images and words into his memory. He might never be blessed with them again. He wonders what she's doing. Is she bickering with Arya? Is she brushing Bran's hair from his brow as she tells him a story?

Of course not. His brother is almost a man grown by now. Arya is a woman. Yet it's hard to picture them any different from the scrawny children they used to be. He tries to imagine the three of them together, but all he can see is Sansa. 

He flexes his fingers, resisting the urge to punch his fist into the wall. Why does the thought of her smiling up at him and saying he did well fill him with so much joy? Why does he fear her coldness? Why do the imaginary conversations he has with her put him on edge? Sansa twists him in ways no one else can and it scares him.

What if he had those same conversations with Arya? She might tell him he was an idiot, and he'd agree, but he wouldn't fear her rejection. So where lies the difference? Sansa's as much his sister as Arya is.  _Is she?_ A pesky voice asks.  _Do you love her as you love your other sister?_

 _Enough!_ He can't allow his thoughts to wander that way. Not now, not ever, and now is what he should be focusing on. Daenerys invited him to come to her cabin, to discuss plans privately, she'd said, but he knows what she wants. It's more than he can give, she wants all of him. He's already lost too many parts of himself to be able to, and his heart lies elsewhere, but this much he could give her, if he chooses to cross that line.

If he opens the door and forces one foot over the treshold, and then the other, it will be done. There will be no turning back.

It's not a completely selfless sacrifice, he realizes. Giving in might finally soothe this uneasiness inside of him. It's not that he's not aware this could complicate matters, but everything should be simple now. She's finally completely on his side, they're going to fight the Night King together. It calms him, because as much as part of him is still so tired of fighting, it's what he knows, it's what he's good at.

It's more than that. Daenerys is a flame, burning brighter and hotter than he can handle, but he wants to surrender. With her he could give in to the darkness inside of him without being repulsed by himself, unlike with-- no, he won't think of her now, he doesn't want to taint her with his foul desires. He's glad he left the cloak she made for him in his cabin.

Sansa is too pure and gentle a light, unlike Daenerys. She has darkness inside of her as well. He doesn't wish to examine it too closely, because he's afraid of what he might find, it would complicate matters again, and he just needs things to be easy.

They are. They'll fight together and save the world. He'll die again and his family will be safe.

He braces himself, taking another deep breath, and lifts his hand to knock.

 

 

 _Just keep following  
_ _The heartlines on your hand_

 _Just keep following_  
_The heartlines on your hand_

_Keep it up, I know you can_

_Just keep following_  
_The heartlines on your hand_

_‘Cause I am_


End file.
